with your own penis?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
