i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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