I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
