Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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