Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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