I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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