you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
