you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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