While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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