He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
