I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
