So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
