I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I need water and some morals
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
