I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
