I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
