You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
