Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
How does it feel to date your dad?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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