it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
