he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
