Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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