textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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