How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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