Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
