im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I deserve this hangover.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
