His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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