I just pynch a tree in the face
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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