I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
