Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
