The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
