Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
