have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
