Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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