dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
