He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
