hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
