shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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