oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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