I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
