i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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