How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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