if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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