I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
