i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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