Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
