Can i not drive my cunt home
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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