I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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