Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
