my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
