I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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