direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
