My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
