I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
