I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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