We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
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The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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