I'm pants shitting drunk right now
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
