Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Randomize
