am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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