I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
